If You Wish Upon a Deathstar...

(I have a bad feeling about this...)

 "In a galaxy far, far away... a new threat emerges from the shadowy ruins of the Empire. One more powerful than the likes of any Sith lord Luke Skywalker and the Republic have ever faced...

 Introducing for the first time ever, LORD MALIGNANT MOUSE in the brand new Star Wars Episode VII!...

COMING TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU IN SUMMER 2015!!!!!!" 

The crowd goes wild.

BOW DOWN TO YOUR NEW RULER, BITCH. AHA!

From his towering vantage point office, Disney's CEO Robert Iger rubs his fingers together and laughs maniacally while watching the crowd eat up the news like hungry hungry hippos infected with tapeworms.

"What a bunch of ignorant chumps! Like I even care about the Star Wars legacy! HA! It's not like that ol' fat bastard already fucked it up with the prequels! OH BUT WAIT UNTIL THEY SEE WHAT I DO TO IT. Wait a sec what did I shit out, I already forgot. Damn. Where's that script again? Oh here it is."

SENATOR JAR-JAR (JJB) BINKS, MAD WITH POWER, BECOMES OBSESSED WITH THE OCCULT. UPON DISCOVERING FORMER SENATE LEADER PALPATINE'S SITH PAST, JJB BLAMES THE DEVASTATING FINANCIAL CONDITIONS RIPPING THE REPUBLIC APART ON THE EWOKS. CALLING FOR THE ELIMINATION OF ALL EWOKS AND EMERGENCE OF THE FOURTH REICH, WITH THE SUPPORT OF THE MILITARY JJB OVERWHELMINGLY BECOMES THE GALACTIC FÜHRER OF THE UNIVERSAL REPUBLIK.

ICH ESSE DAS FLEISCH VON EWOKS

MEANWHILE, THROUGH THE REGENERATIVE ABILITIES OF SCIENCE, LEIA SKYWALKER IS BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE, WHEREUPON AFTER A NIGHT OF DRUNKEN DEBAUCHERY LUKE SKYWALKER FORCEFULLY ENGAGES IN A CONSANGUINEOUS RELATIONSHIP THAT ULTIMATELY GIVES RISE TO AN ABOMINATION THAT IS PART-HUMAN AND... PART-RAT... PROPHESIED TO OVERTHROW THE DARK FÜHR LORD.

HAA! HAA! HOWDY FOLKS!

"OH MAN this stuff is genius! Totally slipped my mind, but I must've hired Michael Arndt or some other top screenwriter for this job! Time to kickback, celebrate this successful script, and pour myself another glass of scotch. Ahhhhh..."

                       

                          "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

I screamed. Immediately jolting up in my bed into a sitting position. 

It was just a nightmare, I realized.

The night before I had just read about Disney's $4.05 acquisition of Lucasfilms, and with it, the rights to George Lucas's Star Wars Franchise, aka three of the most memorable, awesome movies of my childhood. 

 (Hmm what about the prequels you ask? Oh don't be silly, we all know those don't really exist. Just like the Star Wars Holiday Special!)

I shouldn't worry though. Star Wars VII will be in good hands I suppose. After all, Robert Iger promised to stay true to the franchise as much as possible.

But wait a sec... When did Star Wars ever need anything more than the first three original films?????

....well I won't be sleeping for a while.